Sunday, February 15, 2009

valentine's day

We have quite the collection of pictures of the dogs doing random things. I just love this one though, it looks like the two of them are dancing and Oliver is striking some dramatic pose.

So Valentine's day is now technically over I guess. I am still waiting for Jesse to get home from work. I remember how we used to try to make a big deal out of the day. A few years back we decided we had to do something, so we ventured out with the intention to have dinner somewhere. It turned into a nightmare of overcrowded restaurants and short tempers, and ultimately an uncomfortable dinner with a table full of strangers at a Japanese place after a 45 minute wait. Yeah. The next year we made a nice dinner at home. Last year, we had an even lower-key dinner in our room (because we had roommates at the time). This year? It barely registered that it was happening, honestly. It all seems so trivial. Not that we are wallowing in sadness or anything. The days are brighter and we carry on like normal, but we are not the same people we were. The last six weeks have changed us profoundly, in ways we could not have imagined were possible. Perhaps most importantly, we have learned that our love is strong, that in the darkest of times, it only burns brighter, becoming the light that guides us through. And even though we may not be buying heart-shaped balloons, that is certainly something worth celebrating.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

for some reason...

It's the dads with little girls that get me the most. Today we were in Target, walking up towards the registers and there was the sweetest little girl, maybe 3 or so, walking with her dad kind of along side of us. She was pointing out Curious George and chattering away, and then she paused and said "I love you daddy."

And those are the kind of moments where I really feel the extent of my heartbreak. We will never get those moments with Layla, and it kills me.

Aside from the little things like this though, I have been doing pretty well. The last month has felt like several years because of how much I've changed as a person, and I'm starting to be able to apply that new perspective to my (our) plans for the future.

In unrelated news, I set up the comments so you don't have to have a blogger account anymore. You just have to click on Name/URL and put in your name. SO if you are reading, you should leave me a note! And if you have had trouble commenting in the past (ahem, Mom) it will be easier now. :)

Friday, February 6, 2009

what not to do

It is probably not recommended that you wander over to your insurance website only four weeks after the most traumatic experience of your life and look at the claims that have been lining up. Unfortunately, I am a masochist like that. The bills have been trickling in over the last month, and I thought the hospital bill ($2500 after insurance) was actually better than I was hoping. HOWEVER, taking a look at the claims on my insurance site was an eye opener. It seems that every single person to even touch me at the hospital is billing separately, and most of those are bills I haven't seen yet. And it is amazing how much a doctor who was present at the birth for all of 10 minutes can charge. Not to mention my insurance must have changed at some point, because I now pay 30% of office visits instead of a $35 copay. Perinatologists are not cheap either.

I know it could be worse. It is just such a slap in the face (or more like being stabbed in the gut over and over) to have to go through something so intense and terrible and then have to pay more than you can even afford for it. For reference, we were originally going to be paying $1200 out of pocket for all of our prenatal appointments AND the birth. Now we are probably at 3 times that and WE DON'T EVEN GET A BABY OUT OF IT.

Oh the injustice.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I cried for you

I am pretty sure I could have written this song.
And it has succeeded in making me cry all night. The sadness is weird like that, it comes and goes and changes, and even 4 weeks later it still hurts. Maybe less often, but never any less.

I miss my baby. :(

Sunday, February 1, 2009


So I fixed up the blog a bit. It's something I've been meaning to do for a long time, but have been too lazy/uninspired, so I've just been using premade templates and things. Well, NO MORE! Isn't it pretty?

I stumbled across the most fantastic new toy today, called Poladroid. Its sole purpose is to turn your fancy digital pictures into replicas of the old fashioned polaroids. I know, absolutely pointless and counter-productive, but somehow still awesome. So! I thought I would share some pictures of our crazy furchildren, old school style.

This first one was taken with my iphone (actually, most of these were) capturing a rare moment of snuggling between the two of them. Yes, they are on the couch (again, most of these they are) and no, they aren't supposed to be. We are suckers, it's true.

More nap time, and yes, that is definitely me passed out on the couch along with Astrid. The best part is that Oliver is also sleeping down by my feet, but that wouldn't fit in the polaroid. (lame

As my mom said, don't you wish we could all be this limber? He slept like this for a very long time.

And last, a random picture of us in San Diego! Made ten times cooler because it is now a polaroid.

In other news, we are doing well. We had a really good day the other day, with lots of talking and more laughing than I have done in a very long time (admittedly, it was with the help of some margaritas) and there is just lots of love in our hearts and potential on the horizon. YAY.