an update, I guess

It's hard to know what to say here after everything that's happened. I don't want to bore you or burden you with the grief things. There are other places for that. I think I am a little afraid to be completely open about our experience here, because there are so many people in the world that will never walk in our shoes and yet still feel the right to share their opinions. And I'm not ready for that yet. Maybe someday. Maybe someday I will find the right way to share the story in a way that it will open eyes to the many conclusions that we, as humans, jump to.

For now I can tell you that we picked up Layla's ashes today. The funeral home kept calling them "cremains" which I thought sounded odd and almost trendy. Must we always shorten things and create new words out of them? But I guess these people work with death every day. The receptionist was new and had paperwork scattered all over the office when we arrived. She lacked the empathy we had felt from the others at the chapel, shuffling us through the paperwork and practically waving us off with our little white box in hand.

Not that I had wanted to stay long.

Another change of plans: the school thing didn't work out for me this term. I grieved over that for awhile too, but have come to the conclusion that nothing at all, ever, is going to be the same, and I am basically starting over. We'll see what happens. Maybe I don't want to do graphic design anymore. Maybe I do. I am getting a really strong desire to work with children though. Hmm.

I am going back to work next week. I am so incredibly sick of my job (even after a month long hiatus!) so I will be looking for something better. But the job market is looking pretty dim at the moment, so I'm hanging on to what I already have for now.

That's about all I have to update on.

Layla Wren

Our little Layla Wren was born on January 9th, 2009 at 6:15 pm. She weighed in at only 11 ounces, and was 23 cm long. She was a tiny little image of perfection, with miniature versions of her mom's feet and dad's ears.

You can see a few more pictures from the hospital here.

We are so thankful for everyone's love and support through these last few weeks. We are extremely blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. :)

our sad news

So, our ultrasound went a little differently than we expected.

We did find out that our baby is a girl. Unfortunately, our girl was also diagnosed with a very severe case of spina bifida. If you don't know (I didn't), spina bifida is a neural tube defect, where the spinal column doesn't close correctly, causing a hole in the spine and therefore nerve damage and other issues like hydrocephalus. It happens in the very early days of pregnancy. It's one of those things that "just happens sometimes" and we happen to be one of the unlucky few.

I am 20 weeks and should be celebrating the halfway point in my pregnancy. Instead, I am sadly preparing for an induction and the loss of our precious baby.

We are feeling very loved and supported through this difficult time. I'm not sure how we would make it otherwise.