an update, I guess

It's hard to know what to say here after everything that's happened. I don't want to bore you or burden you with the grief things. There are other places for that. I think I am a little afraid to be completely open about our experience here, because there are so many people in the world that will never walk in our shoes and yet still feel the right to share their opinions. And I'm not ready for that yet. Maybe someday. Maybe someday I will find the right way to share the story in a way that it will open eyes to the many conclusions that we, as humans, jump to.

For now I can tell you that we picked up Layla's ashes today. The funeral home kept calling them "cremains" which I thought sounded odd and almost trendy. Must we always shorten things and create new words out of them? But I guess these people work with death every day. The receptionist was new and had paperwork scattered all over the office when we arrived. She lacked the empathy we had felt from the others at the chapel, shuffling us through the paperwork and practically waving us off with our little white box in hand.

Not that I had wanted to stay long.

Another change of plans: the school thing didn't work out for me this term. I grieved over that for awhile too, but have come to the conclusion that nothing at all, ever, is going to be the same, and I am basically starting over. We'll see what happens. Maybe I don't want to do graphic design anymore. Maybe I do. I am getting a really strong desire to work with children though. Hmm.

I am going back to work next week. I am so incredibly sick of my job (even after a month long hiatus!) so I will be looking for something better. But the job market is looking pretty dim at the moment, so I'm hanging on to what I already have for now.

That's about all I have to update on.

Layla Wren

Our little Layla Wren was born on January 9th, 2009 at 6:15 pm. She weighed in at only 11 ounces, and was 23 cm long. She was a tiny little image of perfection, with miniature versions of her mom's feet and dad's ears.

You can see a few more pictures from the hospital here.

We are so thankful for everyone's love and support through these last few weeks. We are extremely blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. :)

our sad news

So, our ultrasound went a little differently than we expected.

We did find out that our baby is a girl. Unfortunately, our girl was also diagnosed with a very severe case of spina bifida. If you don't know (I didn't), spina bifida is a neural tube defect, where the spinal column doesn't close correctly, causing a hole in the spine and therefore nerve damage and other issues like hydrocephalus. It happens in the very early days of pregnancy. It's one of those things that "just happens sometimes" and we happen to be one of the unlucky few.

I am 20 weeks and should be celebrating the halfway point in my pregnancy. Instead, I am sadly preparing for an induction and the loss of our precious baby.

We are feeling very loved and supported through this difficult time. I'm not sure how we would make it otherwise.

it's a baby!

So I am not the skinniest person on earth, and I definitely didn't feel like I looked pregnant until very recently. And even then, only to myself and maybe Jesse, possibly to some other family members. Tonight though, I put on an old shirt that is now officially too tight, and voila! Little baby bump!



This is probably the only time I will be proud to show off my expanding midsection on the internet. It still feels a little uncomfortable, but there's a baby in there! So it's cool right?

Little baby has also been letting me know that he/she is there recently. There are definite acrobatics going on in there, especially in the evenings. It's such an amazing feeling, even if I am getting beat up from the inside. :)

Our ultrasound is scheduled for December 26th! I really wanted to find out before Christmas, but they didn't have an opening until the day after. We go back and forth about what we think it is, but honestly, all we really want is a healthy baby. I remember people saying that and thinking they must have some kind of preference, but when you're actually growing the baby, it's all that really matters. :)

15 weeks and counting...

Unbelievably, this week marked 15 weeks with little baby. That means, by the end of next week I will be 4 months pregnant already. We are nearing the halfway point!

The second trimester has brought some relief from the food aversions and tiredness, and I am realizing I must have felt worse in general than I even realized. It couldn't have come at a better time, because my inspiration was starting to suffer, and that isn't good when you are essentially getting an art degree.

We had our second prenatal visit 2 weeks ago, at 13 weeks, and got to hear the little one's heart beating away! There is a video, in case you haven't seen it yet....



It was much slower than at the ultrasound, I think because someone was still sleeping in there. :)

We are coming up on the "big" ultrasound, when we will be able to find out if I am growing a boy or a girl. I'm hoping to schedule it right before Christmas--it will be a good Christmas present to finally know!

Until then, there's not much to report. The belly is starting to expand a little, and I can only imagine it's going to be all downhill from here. :) Not that I mind, I'm totally ready to have a visual reminder of little baby, and especially to start feeling movement. With time going as fast as it is, I won't have long to wait I'm sure!

it's really happening

So today was the ultrasound! I was a nervous wreck going in. I read way too much and was so scared that there would be no baby there or something wrong. But as soon as we saw the baby, it did a somersault for us! It was dancing all around, waving and kicking like crazy. She actually had a hard time getting it to stop wiggling enough to hear the hearbeat, which was 171 beats per minute.

It was an amazing experience, and wayyy too fast! I think we both could have watched the little bean wiggle around for hours.

Here's baby's first pictures! (you can click to make them bigger)





I told myself that I would not buy anything until I heard the heartbeat, so today the baby got a hat, socks, and a pumpkin costume for next year (which was 50% off!). Can't wait to see the little munchkin again, and find out if "it" is a "he" or "she!"

nine weeks!

So we've made it to 9 weeks already!
So far, everything seems to be going very well. I have had it pretty easy so far, not too much nausea, but food is currently my worst enemy! I feel the worst when I am hungry, but at that point the thought of almost any food turns my stomach. It's making eating very stressful. I completely despise any sort of meat and everything else sort of depends on the day. It's crazy.
Otherwise I'm just tired and prefer spending my days on the couch whenever possible. Hopefully that will be temporary!
We had our first midwife appointment the other day. It was pretty basic, mostly just talking about how I am feeling and things to be trying to eat. She took 5 or 6 vials of blood (I lost count after about 4) and felt my belly a little. She wasn't sure if she could feel my uterus yet or just my bladder, but I'm pretty sure it's uterus because it feels different to me.
The most exciting part was that we got to schedule an early ultrasound! I am a worrier by nature, so I was very eager to see my baby and get reassurance that it is indeed growing in there. It's not until the 30th, when I will be about 11 weeks, but I can't wait. I think it might feel a little more real after seeing it with my own eyes.

Time is already going by so quickly, I know that this baby will be in my arms sooner than I realize. I can't believe how fast the weeks pass with school and work and everything else to think about.

Speaking of school, it's going well so far. Some days are harder because I am so exhausted and have to fight sleep in class, but overall it's good. Definitely hoping for an energy boost as I get to the second trimester, because the projects just keep piling on. And there are a ton of talented people in my program to keep up with!

Jesse is still working full time at McGrath's. He's very valued there now, and has already been offered a salary position in Washington. Unfortunately we're waiting for an offer a little closer to home.

So, I'll be back in 2 weeks with some baby pictures!